Do Guys Ever Buy Their Own Underwear?

By Paul M. Lacayo

A few days ago, I went with my wife, Jeri-Ann and daughter, Theresa to do a bit of shopping at Target in the Topanga Shopping Center.

The reason we went besides walking around to get some exercise at the newly expanded Super Mall, was to buy some new underwear for myself and another new set for my daughter.

Now I don't know about the rest of you and your underwear shopping habits but let's just say over the years, I have bought enough underwear to go about three weeks before I have to go wearing the one from the first day in the cycle. Plus, I since I had enough of them, there was no need to purchase new ones for a very long time. Of course over the years, through attrition, one by one they started going to a holey place and it was time to buy a few to keep the monthly cycle up to standard.

"Surprised?! You won't be after this week's episode of Soap!"

Once inside the Target Store, we proceeded to the Girls Department first, to find the appropriate size for a growing six soon to be seven year old. Now as soon as my daughter got to choose which pattern is the appropriate one, i.e., Polly Pocket or Hello Kitty, Barbie or Bratz, Disney Princesses or Gothic Rock Vixens; Theresa and Jeri decided on the appropriate size.

As I'm pushing the shopping cart standing off to the side while the females made their decision, a couple of young teen-age girls came into the same aisle to look at what was available for their ages.

Now if you're a guy, standing in a woman's department, especially the underwear one, may be uncomfortable enough if you're there by yourself: without your girl-friend, wife or significant other you may be viewed as either a pervert or gay by the ladies who are shopping for their "women's foundation". My experience has been with my wife is to get away from ground zero and let her finish the bra and panty shopping by herself and await her re-entrance into the world from the estrogen vault.

With this in mind, I stepped into the aisle and let my ladies finish their selection as well as give the other girls a wide berth and do their shopping without a male in the immediate vicinity.

Once Jeri and Theresa were done, we proceeded to the men's area. On the back wall of the department, was a whole section of men's underwear. Since the aisles leading to it were kind of narrow, I told Jeri to wait for me while I got the packet.

As I arrived to make my selection, next to my left and right were some other shoppers looking for underwear.

All four of them were - women!

As I mentioned before I haven't gone shopping for men's underwear in a long time. However, I do recall that the last time I went shopping for this same sort of apparel, my fellow shoppers in the aisle that day were - you guessed it! - women!

Which begged the question - Do men buy their own underwear anymore?

Did they ever? Am I the only one? Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio?!

It seems to me that I have encountered a disruption in the underwear shopping space/time continuum in this corner of the planet because I'm sure men do buy their own undergarments, but just not in my neck of the woods. Apparently, ladies buy their own and their men's as well. Which explains why in the parallel universe there are guys in supermarkets discreetly buying tampons and pantyhose for their gals.

Well isn't this just great! When did this trade off occur? What unholy prenuptial sent this time line careening into the Twilight Zone?

Evidently, in our corner of the universe, men are just too embarrassed to have other men see them shopping for what type of garments are immediately pressing the flesh. Boxers or briefs? tidy whiteys or red striped plaids? Bandito or Magnum? Trickster or Deuce?

Of course there seems to be a strange paradox, many men seem to be not too keen on letting you see them what type they shop for; but there are plenty of them glad to let you see 15 inches or more of the material while they're walking around carefree at the local mall or 2 inches of the waist band along with 4 inches of their exposed backside, while performing plumbing duties in your home!

Ever since I can remember, it was not a particular concern to me what type of underwear my fellow male com padres have underneath their trousers but as a guy, you sometimes wonder what type is a woman wearing. Conversely, I'm sure the same is true for the females of the species.

So guys, please make a deal with your wives and girlfriends. Buy your own underwear once in a while and let them get their own tampons for God's sakes! Haven't men suffered through enough hellish choices of wings versus no-wings, small versus large, absorbent versus super-absorbent, "Love of my life for eternity" vs. "Spawn of evil who made me suffer through nine-months of hell looking like a fat hippo!"

It's time to set the universe into some semblance of order again.

My part is done. The three week cycle is set again. The women who shopped alongside that day will have to do it next time - by themselves and on the fly.